ok i think i sent everybody the link to my new url! maybe even twice (sorry if that is the case). right now i am just trying to fill it up a little bit just so there’s something to look at, but will post maaaany more things :)

http://subtle-body.tumblr.com/

http://subtle-body.tumblr.com/

http://subtle-body.tumblr.com/

http://subtle-body.tumblr.com/

http://subtle-body.tumblr.com/

new muse. finally. about fucking time.

i swear this is the last time i will make you “move” with me…buuuut i am soon to move to a new blog which i am in the process of filling up with content, and you know, it’s summer, so i will be posting like fuckloads of shit. I only humbly ask of you the honour of withstanding my fickle behaviour one last time and indulging my request that, when the time comes, you will come over to my new blog and join me there :) send me a message if you want to be sent the url, or i will also try and get to most of you. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I hope you are having a beautiful time.

that awkward moment when you can’t find anything you want to wear so you just sit around naked instead

why are people such vile creatures

it sucks that all the things i do not stand for and all the bullshit which i would not want to infiltrate my life are exactly the things that make me feel so shit about everything. like i already know i shouldn’t let people’s comments affect me because i know that what they are doing is propounding the same bullshit, and yet, it does affect me, and it sucks, how someone can just step in and say a few offhanded things, treat me like an object, and it nauseates me to the stomach that people think it’s ok to say shit and assume shit about me and my life and my involvement with people- they call me complicated and lascivious and hard to read and hard to understand and that’s because they don’t know me at all, all they see is what they think is me and my image and they think that they know what i am like and that i am manipulative and that i exploit myself to play with people’s minds but hey-maybe they were right and i don’t know what i want. i am glad that i have to deal with this alone now because god, if it can hurt me this much then i would probably damage everyone i care for if they were involved- now i am questioning whether i should be involved at all, i want to live my life and garner experience but not if it means that everyone i love will be hurt in the process and not if it means that what people assume of me will actually become my real identity-i am scared, and i do not want that to happen, i do not need that to happen, and i pray to anything that nobody i love is touched and hurt by the amount of shit i get for being the girl that i am, foolish and stupid and naive i may be, but never, never would i wish to let that hurt anybody else. it’s soul-destroying, to be so defined by what people see of you, all the flaws and the judgements; i don’t know how to disengage and i am so scared; i want to disconnect, from everything, i want to be solitary and stoic and not desire to have a connection with the world and with its people; but i don’t know, i don’t know how to do that. i just can’t stop caring, about what people say, but also about the fact that i am inevitably bound to them, that i am obliged to them; and the fact that i do want to belong with them here; they told me men are simple and that i am complicated but the truth is if they were fucking simple it would not even have come to this; i am simply whatever i am and i never intended to be made into some kind of interpretation; what i want, actually, is fucking simplicity

It’s a beautiful day with or without.

daisy chains around our heads we bask in the oasis of green dead center of a vibrantly saturated road that is our home; hoop and glisten with the sweat that reflects the sun, the sun, the sun, the warmth; the wallflowers are pretty amongst the deteriorating junk, hour-long conversation cigarette ends scattered amongst new and old leaves; everything knows us better than one would ever suspect;

neighbour is making dinner. Simple things remind you where you stand; two feet on the ground, rooted as part of something most bizzare and beautiful; and for now, it’s all that matters- that we can bask and soak ourselves in the tranquil that breezes through the air, whispering through our hair;

omfgggg mdmaaa

went to my exam an hour late

go me

can’t believe how well i am embodying the failure that i am

-_-

every time i eat or drink i feel violently ill, just a general permeation of nausea and pointed aches in my gut, like i’ve swallowed nausea itself and its growth festers in my whole being, waiting to be purged and regurgitated, same old shit entering and leaving, like i can absorb nothing but this. hopefully it will be under control soon because i’m going to try and make the most of the few hours i have to revise for this one last exam even though i am so so tempted to not go and just fuck up my life in every way possible. how do you bounce back from a life you feel like you’ve ruined utterly and every and any chance of reconciliation has been annihilated by the overwhelming bitterness and existential nausea and the guilt that i’m too cowardly to recover from anything? why does it feel so much like everything that ever mattered has been mutated and degraded to something i don’t even recognize anymore?

Okay this is going to sound all too familiar but I feel I have reached yet another “chapter” in my life that is not congruent to what I intended this tumblr to be initially. I’ve dragged many of you from blog to blog as that has been my way of ‘reinvention’ (or rather, securing a pretense of it) and I just can’t help it. I am almost done with uni this year though so I will post a ton of stuff following.